Exactly 2 years ago to this day I made the decision to drive to Baltimore, stay in a hotel by myself for 2 months and go to rehab treatment every day. I am not gonna lie. I was absolutely, utterly, out of my f***in mind terrified. Not only was I afraid of the pain and scared to be on my own, I was frozen in fear that the treatment wouldn’t work. I was already broken down before I even started because I thought the doctors wouldn’t believe me. I thought I would, again, be a science experiment and training for the doctors that their treatment doesn’t work on everyone. Now that it’s been 2 years since admission day, I wish I could go back and tell Alexis to just trust this time. I wish she could read this very blog and know just how far I have come.
Let me quickly catch you up before I show you this last year.
Now that you are caught up- guess what I have done over the last year.
- Went to my first Raven’s Game
- Had my first viral TikTok video
- Got another tattoo (sorry mom)
- Started working at the National Trafficking Sheltered Alliance
- MOVED TO BALTIMORE (in the exact apartment I toured the day after I graduated treatment)
- Talked to and met several influencers and singers I met online
- Traveled on a plane for the first time- then again and again (Nashville, LA, Florida, Pennsylvania, Dallas, New York, Georgia [Mystic Falls], South Carolina )
- Met Tia Stokes (virtually)
- Played soccer again and met a ton of new friends
- Battled PTSD triggers
- Went to bars and partied (sorry mom)
- Went on my first date- it ended horribly 😦
- Lost my service dog… absolutely detrimental and heartbreaking
- Was in my first magazine
- Got a dog named Luna who is deaf and gives me a run for my money lol
- AND an announcement I have yet to make (here at least)….. signed a contract to have a book I have been writing to be PUBLISHED WORLDWIDE!!!!
I know— it is beyond crazy with how much I have done. I am still in shock!!! But I want to be clear. Through social media and my list above, my life seems perfect. You may be thinking that I am pain free and living this amazing life as I thrive. Yes, my life is amazing, but that is not because I am pain free. I still fight every single day. Here are some things I still work on daily:
- I struggle to make myself move every day
- Some days I still can’t get myself up to make food and eat
- I have to force myself to write every single day in order to not lose my abilities
- I wear braces that cause pain on my hands to force them open
- My confidence struggles in my abilities or whether people think I’m a burden
- I write out a whole schedule every single day so I make sure I can balance working, going to school, writing my book, and taking care of myself
- I use different tools to make sure I can take care of my apartment (like handles, different accessibility knives, utensils, etc)
- The absolute life-stopping fear of pain
I can handle these struggles every day because I freed myself from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I made the decision 2 years ago to fight for my life. No matter what CRPS, PTSD, FNSD, or life throws at me, I will continue to live the life I want. That is because I realized I can’t sit around and wait for it to go away. This is the message I have for you on my two year anniversary:
No matter what you have happen to you in life- know waiting for it to pass does nothing but wastes life. You may think that eventually your problem will end. Your pain will end, maybe you will suddenly come about a sum of money, your bills will be dealt, suddenly you will become happy again, you will no longer be tired, the sickness will go away, your heart will get back into rhythm, your limb will be healed, no matter the struggle you have been dealt, you cannot wait for it to go away. Take it from someone who waited, blinked, and then 5 years passed. I lost 5 critical growing years in my life. That isn’t due to CRPS. That is because I waited for the pain to end. I wanted it to stop before I would start living again. I was so scared to live a life with pain. Don’t wait. Choose to live today. Life is short and there are so many opportunities out there for you. Start small. Maybe you go to the store for 20 minutes. Trust me, 2 years later and you will be traveling the country and making a name for yourself. Don’t think I travel alone. I still have my CRPS pain disease right in the seat next to me- but now, I decide where we are going. ❤